If you’re trying to blend “his and “her” children into one big, happy family, a marriage counselor offers some helpful insights you’d do well to adopt. What we call romantic bliss, our children often see as domestic upheaval. So:

(1) Realize it takes work to resolve your problems and build intimacy.  Keep reading First Corinthians, chapter thirteen: the key to a strong family is “love”. You must practice it every day. Your kids take their cue from you, so in times of stress maintain a loving attitude.  

(2) Remember that you had a choice, your children didn’t.  They didn’t ask to be put in this situation, so be understanding and work to strengthen their sense of security during this difficult time of transition. 

(3) Don’t expect instant bliss.  Be realistic about the challenges involved in blending two families. There’s no such thing as instant intimacy or total compatibility. It takes time to develop strong bonds and stabilize a family, so “easy does it.

(4) Allow time to grieve past losses.  Jesus said, “Those…who grieve…will find comfort! (Mt 5:4). At the time of their parents’ second marriage many children have already lived in three different family units: their biological family, their single parent family, and now their new blended family. Plus, if your own biological children aren’t living with you, you may experience a personal sense of loss. Failure to acknowledge this will result in anger and alienation, so deal with the past before taking on the future.  

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SPIRITUAL GROWTH

Are you wrestling with a personal problem, thinking, “If I can just overcome this I’ll be okay?” Well, there’s good news and bad. The good news is, by God’s grace you can overcome it. The bad news is, when you’ve overcome this particular problem, another one is waiting to take its place. You’re always going to be working on something. Spiritual growth is a work in progress. And it doesn’t come through human effort, self-condemnation, or the white-knuckling works of the flesh. It comes as a result of spending time in prayer and having your mind renewed daily by His Word. As you agree with God, believing what He says is true, change automatically happens. You start to think differently, talk differently, and act differently. Be patient with yourself; it’s a process that develops in stages. Would you think there was something wrong with your child because they couldn’t walk perfectly on the first few tries? No, you’re delighted each time they take a step. When they fall you pick them up. When they mess up, you clean them up and encourage them to try again. You never stop working with them! And God does the same with us. He’s not angry because you haven’t “arrived,” He’s pleased that you’re pressing on, endeavoring to stay on the path. It’s God’s job to “cause [you to] be governed by the Holy Spirit” (2 Co 3:8). If you could do it by yourself you wouldn’t need Him. So instead of driving yourself harder and harder, start leaning on God more and more and you’ll “go from strength to strength” (Ps 84:7).  

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The prophet wrote: “Our parents sinned…and now we’re paying for the wrongs they did” (La 5:7). Parent, no responsibility is greater than yours! Flawed and limited though you are, God has put awesome power into your hands–the power to shape the next generation. Succeeding or failing in business means nothing compared to succeeding or failing as a parent. When you fail, your children often pay for the wrongs you did. Many of us have gazed adoringly into the crib of our innocent child and prayed, “O God, wherever else I may fail, don’t let it be here!” Answering that prayer is going to take: 

(a) Total investment in them.  It will involve being at their game, play or social event when you’re exhausted, and participating in their spiritual, emotional and educational challenges.

(b) Accepting them unconditionally.  That means even when they don’t want to become what you hoped for, you support them wholeheartedly for being what God designed them to be instead! 

(c) Unfailing encouragement.  Whether they win or lose, are right or wrong, make you look good or embarrass you, you understand, console and encourage them to believe in their God-given potential by letting them know, “I’ll never reject you, no matter what happens.” What if it’s late in the game, they’ve gotten off track and you know you’ve blown it? Admit it to God–and them. They know you failed and they’re generous forgivers! Ask (and believe) God to change you and them. God has promised to “restore to you the years” (Joel 2:25) that failure and neglect have stolen. 

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Parental rejection drives children to two extremes:

(1) Rebellion.  They rebel out of their need for acceptance. Esau understood the principle of parentally approved marriage. But he expressed his resentment against a scheming mother who failed to love him and helped cheat him out of his inheritance, and against an unloving father, by rebelling against the laws of God and family, and marrying unapproved women (See Ge 26:34). When our kids quit school, run away, get pregnant, abandon church, do drugs, consume alcohol, engage in illicit sex, and marry disastrously, in many cases, they’re saying, “I’ll show you!”  

(2) Compliance.  Esau’s rebellion didn’t win Mom’s love, so he tried the opposite technique with Dad, hoping that doing it Dad’s way might make him loved. Recognizing Dad’s approval of Jacob’s marital choice, “Esau…realized how displeasing the Canaanite women were to his father Isaac…married Mahalath,” Abraham’s granddaughter, but, also Ishmael’s daughter (Ge 28:8-9). A child at any age will do anything, however irrational or self-destructive, to earn and keep the love of parents! Did it work? No! Nothing he did could make his dad love him. The real problem was a self-centered parent who loved when it benefited him! Certainly, Jacob and Esau were adults, responsible for their own choices; but parents are like potters, with the power to mold their child’s character, conduct, convictions, and course of life. Parent, nothing matters more to your children lifelong than your unconditional love for them!

THE POWER OF PARENTAL LOVE (1)

The verdict is in: How your children turn out says more about your parenting skills than about their genes! The story of Esau and Jacob is a case study in favoritism, sibling rivalry, conditional acceptance and parental failure (See Ge 25-27). The twin boys are as different as chalk and cheese. Esau is the nature-loving sportsman type–a man’s man. Jacob is the quiet, home-loving, sensitive type. Personalities so diverse challenge our parenting skills. But the crucial difference wasn’t between these two boys, it was between the parents, and between the parents and the boys. Isaac and Rebekah, as parents, were not united; they did not love unconditionally! “Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau.” There’s the crux of their family dysfunction! Dad “loved” based on his conditions. If Esau brought home the venison, he was loved. There are basically three kinds of love:

(1) Love if you meet my need.

(2) Love because you have met my need.

(3) Love in spite of, requiring nothing from you–God’s kind of love, the love children need from parents.

Selfish parenting requires children to constantly prove they’re worthy of our love. Isaac’s was love if and because Esau met his needs. But conditional love is like probation. Its temporary approval and earned favoritism leave our children feeling, “If I don’t do and be what you want, you’ll reject me.” It breeds insecurity, inadequacy, anxiety, deceit, depression, and self-destructive ideas in children. Grades, looks, gifts and abilities have nothing to do with love. Ironically though, your child’s performance and attitude are likely to improve significantly from knowing they’re loved unconditionally. 

 If you want to be led by God you must learn to be bold–not rude or insensitive, but bold, because God will sometimes direct you to do things others don’t understand or agree with. Any time you step outside the boundaries of what others think is acceptable, you risk rejection. So be it! You can’t allow that to keep you from doing what you know God wants you to do. Confronting criticism becomes a little easier when you remember that, ultimately, “Each of us shall give account of himself to God” (Ro 14:12). It hurts to be criticized. But if you’re to succeed in life, you must have the attitude Paul had. Ben Campbell Johnson paraphrases Paul’s words in First Corinthians 4:3-4: “I am not the least concerned with the fact that you are deciding what is right and what is wrong with me…Neither you nor anyone else can put me down unless I first put myself down (and I’m not doing that)…Though I don’t know of anything against me, my ignorance doesn’t mean that I am correct in my appraisal, because the final evaluation is in God’s hands.” Secure people can handle being the only ones doing something. They can also allow others the same choice because they know we have been called to love one another, not analyze and categorize one another! To avoid growing old and feeling like somewhere along the way you got lost and never succeeded at being what God called you to be, you must be bold.

 Since we now live longer, many of us are caring for sick and aging family members. But who’s caring for the caregivers? Who’s meeting their needs? If you are one, here are a few things you must learn to do for yourself: 

 (1) Ask for help.  John Donne wrote, “No man is an island.” Reaching for help may feel awkward at first, but keep doing it and you’ll develop a comfort level. Start by listing all the areas in which your loved one needs help. Be specific: household chores, transportation, personal finances, bathing and dressing, etc. When you get a “no” don’t take it personally, just look elsewhere. There are people all around you who are just waiting to be asked, people who find joy and fulfillment in serving. 

 (2) Get connected.  Don’t try to reinvent the wheel. Take advantage of the resources in your church, community programs, support groups, senior centers, and the internet. Involve your family, as well as your friends and neighbors. The Bible says: “A person standing alone can be…defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better” (Ecc 4:12). 

 (3) Remember that you’re human;  God does!  Don’t feel bad about feeling bad. God is “tender and compassionate…For He knows how weak we are.” Focusing on someone else’s needs to the exclusion of your own seems noble, but it also sets you up for guilt, anger, depression and burnout. Your emotions influence your physical health, so giving yourself permission to “feel your feelings” not only enables you to stay healthy, it ensures you’ll stay around to be a compassionate and able caregiver.

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 This may come as a shock, but the Book of life doesn’t record your denomination next to your name. In heaven there are no religious labels. If someone has the right to call Jesus, Lord, you must treat them as your brother and sister regardless of which church they attend. We’re all related by blood–the blood of Jesus! As believers the Bible tells us to “preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph 4:3). Notice, God doesn’t tell us to create unity, He tells us to preserve it. Comedian Emo Phillips used to tell this story: “In a conversation with a person I had recently met, I asked, ‘Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?’ My new acquaintance replied, ‘Protestant.’ I said, ‘Me too!’ I asked, ‘What franchise?’ He answered, ‘Baptist.’ Me too!’ I shouted. We continued to go back and forth. Finally I asked, ‘Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1912?’ He replied, ‘Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1912.’ I said, ‘Die, heretic!’” Seriously, do you know what Jesus prayed for? “That all of them may be one…so that the world may believe.” A divided church is a wounded and weak church. Ever considered what would happen if we downplayed our labels and put our contents on display? Maybe we wouldn’t need signs outside our door to attract people, because they’d be drawn by the love of those inside. It’s worth thinking about, isn’t it?

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